Identity Part 1: An Intro to Identity
Starting a series on identity, exploring what self-awareness is and isn’t.
In this introductory post, I will highlight some of the topics I hope to cover in a series of posts on identity, self-awareness, default thinking, feeling and emotions, and some thoughts on how we can change as people.
Perhaps to start, let’s talk about self-awareness. Rated as the most important characteristic in a CEO by a US study, it’s something self-help books talk a lot about. But a perspective that isn’t discussed as often is how self-awareness is actually about becoming aware of what is happening in the unconscious mind.
Almost all of our thoughts are unconscious—well over 90%—so what we think we know about ourselves is often a fraction of who we actually are. The more we start to understand the brain and how it works, the more it becomes clear that our brain automates much of how we think, feel, and act as a coping mechanism.
Getting Practical
Unfortunately, we often become aware of these default patterns during midlife when they become insufficient in facing real-world situations in complex areas like parenting teenagers, keeping a marriage healthy under extreme stress, orientating yourself after being retrenched, and so on.
It’s a particularly jarring process. For example, as I was completely unaware of what personality really was before the age of 35, coming to understand how personality theory works, what the elements of mine are, and how it holds me back as a husband, parent, and entrepreneur took a significant amount of time.
Family of Origin work became important too, as my family is significantly different from my wife’s. My parents, who were born during World War II and parented when there was no Internet in their children’s lives, obviously had a very different outlook on the way the world is now.
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As I started to explore my inner world more, I also discovered that people have a particular wiring when it comes to organisational work and being in a company. This is separate from personality theory.
Tools like StrengthsFinder and a plethora of others were useful in becoming more aware of soft skills I had unknowingly developed, and models that unpacked relational skill sets and task theory also proved helpful.
Lastly, stage theory around human and spiritual development proved to be very helpful. I hope to unpack these elements in future posts.
Red Flags
The most common response I have had when engaging with these topics with other people has been, “But wait, is this in the Bible?”
Disclaimer: None of the above elements are Capital T Truths found in the Bible.
Many of them are useful, though flawed—it’s by no means a perfect science. There’s a lot of orientation required to begin to figure this stuff out, and my hope is to shortcut a lot of that learning and help readers get to the heart of several issues. I’ll return to this point to conclude the piece.
Secondly, some of these topics may trigger adverse reactions where we don’t like various models for various reasons, which can result in us missing some underlying truths because of prejudice against the models themselves or the way the models get used by people for nefarious gains. Models should be viewed through a “eat the meat and spit out the bones” lens.
As George Box said, “All models are wrong, but some are useful.”
Lastly, given that Scripture says we were knit together in our mother’s womb, chosen in Him before the foundation of the world, and all my days were ordained in advance for me, how can models which are generalised really impact the unique person that God has made me to be?
I hope to answer some of these questions in subsequent posts in the series.
Punching Out of Default Behaviour
Interview time: 1 hour
Allow me to return to my earlier point about big T Truths from the Bible and developmental psychology theories.
One of the key “aha” moments in the spiritual walk is when things like going to church, reading your Bible regularly, praying, being in community, and being generous start to bring diminishing returns.
These elements of spirituality become insufficient for changing behaviour to live out the Truth of the Bible with regard to our behaviour towards our spouses, children, friends, etc., particularly during challenging seasons of life. When I’m shouting at my children or fighting with my spouse or pulling my hair out with challenges in the workplace, it becomes palpable that I am not being particularly Jesus-like. And yet I seem powerless against default bad behaviour that does not line up with the life that Jesus lived. And no amount of willpower or behaviour optimisation seems to change this for me.
In short, I am somehow unable to make progress in transforming my mind, emotions, and body to live life the way Jesus did.
It is at this point that we have the opportunity to begin learning how spiritual transformation can really help us with the unconscious mind defaults that are holding us back.
If some or all of this is unfamiliar to you, no problem. This was an introduction! I hope you’ll join me throughout the series.
Posts in the series:
Identity Part 3 – Why work is challenging Work Gearing and conflict at work
Identity Part 2 – Knowing Ourselves Personality and Family of Origin
Identity Part 1 - An Intro to Identity How to get out of default behaviours