Identity Part 2 – Knowing Ourselves
"We cannot know God without knowing ourselves." – Tim Keller
In this second post on identity, I want to delve into the choppy waters of personality theory and family of origin work.
I use the word "choppy" for several reasons:
There is no reference to personality theory in the Bible.
Personality models are inherently problematic as they attempt to apply generalised patterns.
Family of origin work can often be painful.
However, Tim Keller, Dallas Willard, and many other theologians point out that knowing ourselves is central to the gospel. Some of these tools can indeed help on that journey.
Referencing Matthew 22:37-39 and other Scriptures, Willard puts forward this model in his book Renovation of the Heart. Willard references six elements of our makeup, and understanding them is central to the concept of loving God and loving our neighbours, which was Jesus's greatest command to us.
So far, I think we’re all on pretty solid ground.
Now it gets tricky
It’s the process of getting to know yourself and understanding what God is doing in you that things get really tricky.
Using a metaphor, think about well-known foods like chicken schnitzel, lasagne, or a barbeque (braai). We’re all pretty familiar with what these are and could name them as such. Yet tasting them could reveal vastly different flavours depending on the recipe etc.
Returning to what I said in the last post: almost all of our thoughts are unconscious—well over 90%—so what we think we know about ourselves is often a fraction of who we actually are. The more we start to understand the brain and how it works, the more it becomes clear that our brain automates much of how we think, feel, and act as a coping mechanism. ( An Intro to Identity)
The word "personality" comes from the word persona, which means "mask". Our personality is a defence mechanism we use to show up to the world and ourselves as a means of protection.
There are different types of personality models—some are fixed and some are frameworks, where you’ll get different perspectives based on multiple factors including your mental state, maturity, etc. What they all have in common is that they’re complex, and you not only have to learn your own profile, but also those of other people to understand the people around you as well.
So, while you may get meat, chicken, or fish lasagne with many different flavour profiles, the dish is still, in essence, lasagne. We need to accept the similarities and differences.
Why I like the Enneagram
There is a lot of noise around the Enneagram, which acts as a distracting sideshow. When we get down to the mechanics of the model and some of the elements that it unpacks, it starts to illuminate default elements of people—that is to say, how we think, feel, and behave when we’re on autopilot.
At first glance, we see that each personality type on the Enneagram touches five of the nine personality types at any one time making it a diverse model which accounts for a lot of variation and combinations in people.
Talk time: 10:35 Ian Cron gives a quick overview of the Enneagram
Moving deeper though, some of the areas where default patterns can be seen include:
Head, heart, or gut/action-focused.
Instincts: social, one-to-one, or self-preservation.
Orientation to time: past, present, or future.
Relational style: withdrawing, compliance, or aggression.
Approach to conflict: compliant, positive outlook, or reactive.
How we experience shame, fear, and anger and the sins associated with those three emotions.
What an unhealthy and healthy version of us looks like.
The point of the model is not to celebrate finding your type but to understand the sin that drives you and figure out how to "hack" yourself—or, put differently, allow your true self to emerge from behind the mask of your personality.
There are also some nice synergies that show up between models. For example, one description of my type reads as having a “passion for high ideals, seeking knowledge connected to my ultimate values. Engages in a search for ultimate meaning to avoid experiencing life as meaningless.” Another model describes me as “Decisive. Loves momentum, accomplishment, and gathering information to construct creative visions which they then act on.”
It's in looking at our subconscious patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing that we start to understand that we don’t have to be bound by them.
The painful truth
Personality theory generally agrees that people develop personalities because children find the world overwhelming and need to find ways to cope. We also need to find ways to gain traction and make our way through the world and developing default behaviour enables us to do this pretty effectively.
Childhood reference brings up the family of origin concept and how we are shaped by that environment. We only have to spend a week on holiday with Steve’s side of the family to see how much I am like them. And if we spend a week with my wife’s side of the family, it’s clear how much I am not like them.
Interview time 18 minutes. Pete Scazzero unpacks the Genogram model.
Then there is the trauma from childhood. This could be small trauma, like going to school for the first time, or big Trauma, like divorce or death in the family. Whether we have processed or supressed that trauma makes a massive difference on the way we think, feel and act.
The combination of the family system and the pain of trauma provides a potent cocktail that defines much of our lives.
The painful truth is that when you want to move outside of the world that your personality, family, and trauma have helped shape, it’s like swimming against the current—a lot of energy is expended for seemingly little progress.
Creating a new future
Life is a journey, and on that journey, we’re able to tackle different things at different times. I was thinking about the Google Maps metaphor and how sometimes it works to follow the default route, and sometimes forcing a recalculation provides significant time gains. At other times, changing the route just makes it worse.
But one thing is true: using Google Maps has made my progress around town significantly more effective. Having started work as a journalist with a map book, figuring out how to get to stories, and now having a smartphone that responds to traffic conditions in real-time and suggests alternatives is worlds apart.
And when I see some of the unhealthy Whitford family behaviour showing up in my children, I have to seriously think about what I do as a parent because it’s worth changing the narrative for them so they don’t have to live with some things as adults that I have had to live with.
It’s the same for all families. The world changes so quickly that the world parents were born and formed in is not the world their children are born and formed in. And this is what makes the effort of changing important and worthwhile—even if it is inches at a time.
Some useful tips
Most free personality tests on the Internet are unhelpful. Tests are also reliant on self-typing, so if you’re giving “bad answers” because you’re in a difficult situation, you may well get skewed results.
A paid-for test like the iEQ9 Enneagram test will probably get the general profile right >90% of the time, but that doesn’t answer which elements of the five types (one dominant, your wings, and your stress and security types) really resonate with you. Coming back to lasagne, there are lots of options here—you’ll have to get into the nuances to really get value out of it.
Interview time: 24 mins. A brief summary of each type
Listening to other people is really useful. When I found out my Enneagram type, I went and listened to every interview I could find on podcasts with that type. Firstly, it gave me a lot of learning very quickly, and secondly, it helped me understand how diverse people are.
The same could be said of Myers-Briggs or DiSC profiles too, which I have also found immensely helpful.
Lastly, the point of such tests is to hack yourself, not double down on your typology. Dr Henry Cloud has a great clip giving some context to tests and why they’re not the be all and end all of our lives.
Clip time: 19 minutes
The identity series
Identity Part 3 – Why work is challenging Work Gearing and conflict at work
Identity Part 2 – Knowing Ourselves Personality and Family of Origin
Identity Part 1 - An Intro to Identity How to get out of default behaviours
Next up, I’ll be looking at how we are wired for work and how personality theory doesn’t really help us when it comes to organisational thinking. But paired together I found personality theory and work gearing to be immensely useful.